1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
