Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
