I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
