I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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