they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
