so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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