Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
