I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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