note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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