Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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