I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
