Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
well, you know. whores of a feather.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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