Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
