I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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