I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
