Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
