This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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