I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
