I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?