He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
