Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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