??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
