OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
