Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
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It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
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