when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
soo... how was my night?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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