HIV tests are more positive than that guy
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Randomize
