Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
