Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
