You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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