My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
