Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
