It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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