Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
This is the prime rib incident all over again
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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