i jhust puked up my retainher.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
God I need to hump something, right now.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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