After last night, I could never be a politician.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
