the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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