I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
