I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
