I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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