Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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