I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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