Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
