Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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