I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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