i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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