I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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