You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
