Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
