but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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