stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
