last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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